There is a bad trend of exceedingly insecure “macho” men who are convinced that their bravado is a sign of superiority. It is not, it is actually kind of sad.
Why do I feel it is important for me to address this topic?
Short answer to that question, because I have a daughter. And I am very concerned to see how this growing trend of toxic masculinity could affect her. Knock on wood, being stuck with a toxic dude will never be an issue for her. But the more I see how this trend continues to permeate the world, the more I feel it is important that she knows from me how I feel about this entire situation. As her dad, I am the first example she has of how honorable men are supposed to behave. In other words, how I treat her and how I educate her about the world will set the tone she’s going to consider as normal, and acceptable. My daughter is 11 at this time, she’s turning into a young lady, and one of the most important things I want her to understand is critical thinking and consent.
Obviously, I’ll be educating my daughter directly about what I am going to talk in this article – plus a lot more. Afterall, I’m her dad, and life lessons are ongoing thing. However, my words might be useful to other people out there. Once we put our mind into words, we never know how far they travel… I always ponder how these worlds could affect somebody. My intent is that my words will incentivize critical thinking and become actual positive advice.
It is not a secret if you’ve been reading my posts for a while that my wife Alicia and daughter Samantha mean the world to me. I affectionately refer to them as my two girls. And I say that because they are the center of my universe. But I can only say “my” girls because they are my family, I can never say that I “own” them – and this huge differentiation will be a lot more important as you read this article. I want to emphasize that both of them have their own agency, they are their own people, and NOBODY will ever own them. They own themselves. And if they choose and consent without any strings attached to honor me with their company, then I am just grateful that they are happy to accept me in their life. I am very thankful that they are in my life. That to me makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world. I will never take their love and affection for granted.
And notice I said the luckiest and not the richest, because they are not “assets” – they are people, and my freedom will always end where theirs begin. And by the way, that’s true in vice versa. We can wish anything we want for OURSELVES, but we need consent when it comes to others. Even if what we want for them is positive and wholesome. Everybody is entitled to make their own decisions. All I can aim for is educating my daughter in the best way I can so she can make her own decisions. And of course, my intent is being available for her if she needs me day or night. I can go on but hope this makes the point. In a future article I’ll talk about my views on parenting. I have a lot to say about that too.
The kind of man I am
It should go without saying, but just in case – when I am talking about the man I am, please know this is not a discussion about “pronouns” – that’s an entirely different rant. In the context of this article, I just happen to be a dude, a husband to my wife and a dad to my daughter. I’ll go on to say that I have zero problems on how people prefer to be referred as or how they identify themselves. If they are happy, I’m happy for them. That goes with what I am saying, my strong conviction for everybody is to be free to have their own agency. Nobody will understand you better than you understand yourself. Especially when it comes about who you are and who you love. Humans are complex, and I would argue that’s a good thing. As long as you truly love yourself for who you are, then this will exude and become a positive self-image.
And with this statement above, please notice that I the paragraph concluded with “positive self-image.” How you accept YOURSELF will either make you happy and fulfilled or will make you miserable – even if you’re living in a golden nest. Some people say the best things in life are free. I agree to that statement to a point, but I would prefer to state that the best thing in life cannot be bought.
I cannot buy my wife’s or my daughter’s love. They love me because I have earned their love. And being loved by somebody, even a blood relative is not a right, it’s a privilege. And as any privilege this can be revoked. True that we cannot choose the family we are born into, but we can choose who we want to associate with. How many families became estranged or fragmented as they were able to free themselves from a potentially toxic relationship? But the only way people can truly free themselves is if they gain agency over their own lives. That’s real freedom.
In my case, I was actually raised by women. My grandmother, my great-aunt and my mother were my closest caretakers as I was growing up. My father was not a very prominent person in my life. And I really have not spoken with him since I was a young teenager. And for better or for worse I never really needed him. He did not earn my love, and even if he would have given me a million dollars, or more, he would have not been able to buy it. You might be able to compensate monetarily people for their time, but you cannot “buy” time. Time is another thing no matter how rich you are you can never buy back. You can use your monetary power to “save” time. And I guess you’re buying the mitigating possibly of wasting time. But once that time was gone it can never be recovered.
We all have a very short time in this world, and some people will have significantly shorter time alive than others. In my view, this little bit of time we are afforded in this world can be lived to the fullest. However, we all only have 24 hours a day. The way I see it, I am not required to be in competition with anybody, except the person I was yesterday. If so choose to compete with anybody, I the older I am the more I realize that I will pick my battles wisely. And the best battle is the one I don’t have to fight. In fact, I have so many other cool things I prefer doing than dealing with any undue drama. And yes, my life is very fulfilling without the added drama.
From an early age I have been averse to undue drama. That does not mean that drama has not followed me a lot. For whatever reason I’ve been surrounded a quite the number of very difficult people. Therefore, encountering toxicity and people who were irreverent was not at all unusual during my upbringing. I’ll dedicate an entire article (or a few) on that topic at some point. But meanwhile, the point I want to make is that although drama and toxic people in our lives are largely inevitable, if we are savvy enough, we can mitigate a lot of the negative impact they can playing our lives. But for this to be possible we need to have critical thinking and understand context. This can be very easy or very hard depending on a person’s personality, and their level of vulnerability.
And one thing I realized is that the most-out-there “alpha” personalities – they tend to be the most vulnerable. And that’s why a lot of their toxicity will be a biproduct of them trying to overcompensate their own shortcomings. Inevitable people that get to that “extreme alpha” types are never satisfied no matter how much money or superficial success they seem to accrue. And I say accrue, but not achieve because they don’t reach happiness. They are empty inside even if they are surrounded by material possessions and people who seem to be kissing their butt. Deep inside they know that there I something they can never buy. True love and affection and to truly love themselves for who they really are – not for who they intend to project to be. It’s actually kind of sad. We’ll get back to this but keep this in mind for context. Everything will come full circle. And yes, by the way a “Beta” term can be a lot more complex than some people think. Not necessarily a good thing nor a bad thing… and I’ll dedicate an entire article to that. But you know what I realize that you can be very happy without being either an “alpha” or a “beta” – yes, it can raise a few eyebrows to see that. But I reality, I don’t consider myself to be either one. I am me – Marcelo, I guess I would put a term on that would be “sigma” as I prefer doing my own thing, but I have zero problem speaking my mind or assert my influence if needed be. I just don’t crave control over anybody. I prefer people to enjoy their lives whatever way it makes them happy – so long they don’t negatively affect the lives of others.
For now, I can tell you that I am the man you can read in this blog or any of my social media sites. I don’t pretend to be anybody I’m not. I’m proud of my life up to this point. Will everybody get to know every single detail of my life? No, for example, just by virtue of being a military member there will be some discretion required. It’s nothing nefarious, but just like there proprietary information that is not for everybody’s consumption, such as a franchise’s training program – there are things that are not privy to everybody. It is the way life works. But anything I feel safe to share, there is no hiding on who I am. I am who I am, and the good thing about telling the truth is that everything automatically falls into place.
I’ve mentioned this before in this site, no matter how elaborate and well-thought-out a lie gets crafted, the math won’t add somewhere. When you tell the truth and you’re authentic, everything falls into place. Am I perfect? Far from it, but I accept this. And accepting who you are as a person will help you become the person you’re meant to be. And yes, becoming the person you’re meant to be also implies you will continue evolving into a better version of yourself. That’s the man I am today. Imperfect, but ever evolving.
© 2021 Marcelo Baqueroalvarez / HLC | Mannequin in Limassol Cyprus
My concerns about the younger generation
As I was growing up, I’ve had my growing pains like most young men. We all try to fit in and in some instances pretend to be somebody we are not. It is almost as though when we are growing up, we want to pretend to be somebody who is a projection of a perfect self – and it just so happens it is not who we really are. But that’s normal, because we all seek to have that opportunity to become the person we are meant to be. And it does take some trial and error to figure out our authentic self. Especially this can be very complex depending on our environment. And figuring that out is what could also be akin to maturity. Sadly, a lot of people grow up chronologically, but their maturity may lag behind.
Immaturity and pretentiousness come hand in hand. And this could lead to low self-esteem, which paradoxically might be manifested as an overwhelming “self-confidence” façade. And when people are in this façade it’s when they are at their most vulnerable, because they might even end up believing the fantasy, they are creating for themselves. Worse, these can directly or inversely become role models for others. It is it the ultimate ghost chasing. I’ve spoken before about self-esteem and how this factor can consume a person without even realizing it.
And surprisingly to many, being introverted and humble is not the same as having low self-esteem. And on the other side of the spectrum, not everyone who seems to be very outgoing means they have low self-esteem. It is very abstract to find out who’s who on the surface. But there are a few telltale signs. We’ll focus for this article on those more “alpha type” toxic masculine. Of course, this camouflaged low self-esteem is easier to identify with experience. Let me add a few to the list below – though it is non-inclusive.
- They are “always” right (in their minds) even if they are wrong
- They are the “alpha” in the room – everybody is subordinate, no matter who anybody else is there
- Everybody is coming out to get them, but they are “victorious” against all these perceived enemies
- Everybody else is not as smart as them, they are always the smartest in the room, even if they don’t know what the F—k they are talking about half the time
- They will “lie” if it seems justified to pursue a particular narrative, or world view. They will camouflage it as “strategy” or any other self-petting semantical figure
- They act like they know it all, no matter the topic, but they are actually naïve as s—t, and you can find flaws in their arguments a mile away
- If they see something they are not good at, they will try to mock it or discredit it, and encourage others to join on discredit whatever is it that they don’t quite understand
- They feel the need to put somebody down, or subjugate
- If they are physically larger, they will try to boast about their “physical” attributes – especially if they would be “wanting” to fight you
- They will buy in DEEPLY in a particular ideology. This can be political, religious, organizational, athletic, etc.… it does not matter, they will have some sort of obsession with that world view (or can be combined obsessions) and would use this ideology to “justify” their actions as “condoned” by whatever is it that this ideology sanctions
- They will spend stupid amounts of time or money on following something or someone they emulate, even though they might never actually get to the point to be like that person or entity they emulate
- They will brag on the many ways they could inflict bodily harm to another human being. This could be with the use of firearms, or any other weapons. Even if only framing it as in case of “self-defense” – but they would be in reality just wishing the “wrong person” crosses their path so they can unleash their fury
- They will treat any attractive person by their side as a trophy, and if the trophy loses the looks will move on
- They feel entitled to somebody else’s attention
- The same type of bragging would pertain to emotional harming another human being, especially if they consider this person inferior
- They will use the term as “control” somebody else. Or in any way take a lot of pride on the fact they can have copious amount of “authority” over somebody else
- They are NEVER satisfied, no matter how much good stuff comes their way. They will disguise it as “going after the next goal” or something akin to that. But in reality, is because what they cannot reach is being genuine, they are chasing their own ghost – which will always remain out of reach
- They have an excuse for everything, especially if they are wrong about something. The mental gymnastics they will be able to perform are fascinating, however they will leave actual facts out of the context in order to suit their personal “truth”
- If you give them a “compliment” that strokes their ego, they will get ruffled like a proud peacock and become very easy to manipulate
- They will be VERY vocal in social media, or any other outlets especially if they feel motivated to tell everybody about their “truth”
- They will crave “shock value” and notoriety – and use it as a platform to say they are prosecuted. Even if they started whatever controversy they find themselves into
- They will confuse the concepts of “respect” and “fear” – and would tend to use then interchangeably
- They will be cynical, or mock something they don’t fully understand without actually learning the context. And if they learn the context, they will lie to themselves to try to feel “smart again”
- If they have money, they will flaunt it or brag about it in a very pedantic manner
I can go on, but as you read this… have you ever met anybody like that? And by that, I mean that you can spot seven or more of these traits above. I have, and there are plenty out people like that out there. That’s why I am concerned. The good news is that all that I mentioned above can be a “phase” or a “bad habit” if the person in question is intellectually honest enough to realize they are a tool and start maturing.
Will some of the toxic masculine type I mention before might take heed over my words? Likely not, and I am not expecting they are all ready to read this directly. However, I am sure that if we know somebody who fits these criteria points, we can choose the help them mature. Trust me, it will be beneficial for everybody. In fact, some of those who were essentially monsters who had an epiphany, and somebody helped them get their head off their a-s, then become advocates for positive change. But the fact is that they cannot do it alone. We all need help, and it takes humbleness to do so. And humbleness is actually a sign of strength, not weakens. Weak people who think they are strong would advocate for the contrary.
Generally speaking, nobody can get themselves out of something that is extremely destructive. Especially if they don’t even realize they are in the wrong. And if they fall on these negative traits I mentioned above. Keep in mind though that we cannot force anybody to change. We can only afford them the opportunity to learn facts. Will many of them reject them and perhaps fall victims of their own bad decisions? Likely. But at least your conscience will be at peace for attempting to help them.
Whatever you do, just don’t get into an argument with them. That’s what they want, it validates their “prosecution” bias. And they will likely double down. And won’t listen anyway. It will become a waste of time.
Instead, a good way to show them the light (per say) is to hit them on their intellectual honesty, essentially convince them they are going on a verbal diarrhea attack against somebody they THINK they dislike. But they would then realize they were attacking somebody they actually emulate. The “oh s—t factor” might hit them like a ton of bricks and could have them throwing a tantrum like a toddler who was denied a second cookie. But the seeds will be planted. It won’t be nice to them, they will try to prove you wrong, and all the mental gymnastics they do will inevitably point them back to their naïve adoration towards a false narrative. And yes, this might take a while. Even months or years, but the seed will be planted.
It is for their own good, and the good of them all. Remember, we all have blind spots, every last one of us. For some of us that an identify this toxic group of individuals a mile away, one additional tell-tale sign is your own intuition. There will be “something” you’ll find off-putting the longer you interact with them. And yes, everybody can be off-putting – but if you know, you know exactly what I mean by this.
I’ve you’ve been paying attention to any media channels, both mainstream and private, the topic is coming up. I prefer not to attack any person directly. I prefer to address the negative behavior and articulate why it is concerning to me. And as I mentioned, I am concerned because I have a daughter and I don’t like the fact she’s growing in a world that is getting increasingly toxic, and I’ve been seeing this trend escalating in a significant segment of our world population.
I’ll be writing more about this important topic. I think this is an adequate introduction. Meanwhile let’s continue the conversation. I am sure that we can generate a valuable dialog. I don’t have all the answers, nobody really does. But I am also sure we can come with the best alternative given the circumstances. Thank you as always for spending this time with me. HLC