Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers out there. This article might feel sad for some, but this is my story. And I know that some people out there share their own.
From sadness to happiness
I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that Mother’s Day brings very mixed emotions to me – as it has for several decades. My own mother passed away in 2015, a month shy of her birthday. She was on her late 60’s but she was in fact gone at least three years before her final breath.
Earlier this year my wife’s mother also passed away. This will be the first year she celebrates Mother’s Day after her mom’s passing. I know for a fact how hard that can be. And I know many readers out there also have felt this pain. And I very much know that when people wish a heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day” – people who have lost their mothers also experience those mixed emotions. Yet life moves on – but it still ties a knot on our throats.
But of course, my wife herself being my daughter’s mother will deserve her own happy celebration. It is very hard to separate these feelings, because automatically millions of memories pour down on our hearts and minds. And while I am happy to celebrate my wife, and all other mothers out there, it is just an automatic reality that I will have those memories pouring like a tsunami. This has been happening every year for a long time – but still I would not dare saying I’m used to it” – because that would be untrue.
I would also be remiss if I did not acknowledge that my grandmother who raised me as a mother also passed away – she passed away in 2004, and her sister, my great-aunt who was like a pseudo-mother also passed away, but she died relatively a short time after my own mother’s passing. Wherever they are I hope they know they are missed and loved. Even though they can’t really hear me today.
Mixed Memories from Mother’s Day
For many years during my childhood, I was raised by my grandmother and my great-aunt at my country of birth, Ecuador. At that time my mother was living in the USA trying to bring all her four children. She got a home in the USA ready for us, but the only thing preventing us from leaving was my father. You see in Ecuador the law said that both parents need to sign for any minor leaving the country. That is sensible – but he refused – for several years.
In fact, our family was fragmented for several years as legal battles occurred for that entire time. My mother was able to bring my sister and then my youngest brother the USA after lengthy court battles, but then my younger brother and I remained in Ecuador while we were all separated. My brother and I were lucky if we would get to see our mother for perhaps three weeks every couple of years or so. This went off for years. I can’t even recall how many Mother’s Days I spent with my mother being literally several countries away.
In fact, I only remember ONE Mother’s Day when she was indeed present. I was still in elementary school, or perhaps just shy of the equivalent to Middle School in the USA. In a previous trip when she came to visit us in Ecuador, she brought this electronic keyboard. This was MY first “piano” – since I was the only one from my siblings who played this instrument. And that Mother’s Day I performed in front of the school and all the mothers for Mother’s Day.
I taught one of my friends in school to play Fur Elise by Beethoven and I chose to play her favorite songs. One of those was the very first song I learned to play in that keyboard, which was “A Time for Us” from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack and this other song which I have no idea what’s the actual name, but according to my music keyboard teacher it was called the “fallen tree.”
Regardless that latter was her all-time favorite. Hence, I performed that song especially for her, and anybody else who was in attendance were invited – but the dedication was just for MY mother. This was literally the first Mother’s Day she was actually present. I remember her being on the front row on the school patio, I was wearing this very elegant olive-green striped shirt and matching green pants.
The 80’s were different times
My mother was a trailblazer in Ecuador. No disrespect to my country of birth, but they were pretty behind the curve in a lot of social-enhancing solutions that the rest of the civilized planet was already enacting. Case in point, my mother was the very first woman who divorced her husband, and she also had her own business – a sweater-knitting factory.
This was actually kind of admirable, yet controversial in the country at the time. They say the fruit does not fall too far from the tree – her catch phrase was “I’m busy” – and guess who is just like his mother on that sense – this guy!
In any case, the relationship with my father was strained to say the least. I did not care much about that, but I have to admit that I did feel some sense of jealousy to see in all these events where both parents were together as a family. In my case my mother [justifiably so] could not stand my father, and that among many other reasons led to their divorce. But of course, there is always more to the story.
As a fragmented family the reality is that she was always busy – as I mentioned. And all these social events used to tick her off. In fact, she used to get snappy even having to drive me to any place, being a birthday party, or any extra-curricular event, because that was indeed detracting her from what she was doing to make a living for us. Eventually she was offered a better position the USA, and she started the process of bringing us to America. That process took several years.
As the months and years continue moving forward, it felt like an eternity. Somehow when I was a kid a year was like a whole lifetime, – now a year feels like a blink of an eye. And between those key moments and celebrations in our lives, I can count with one hand the times my mother was present. I remember as a young kid when we had to “make a gift” for our mothers on Mother’s Day, but I did not have my mom anywhere near on the planet to give her this gift.
And with a child’s rationale at the time, it just felt wrong to extend this gift to my grandmother because she was not indeed my mother – I know it might sound counterintuitive, and even mean – and trust me, I loved my grandmother, but I knew who my actual mother was, even though my grandmother was raising me as a mother. Regardless, my grandmother would often get the gift that was intended for my mother, but doing so just felt off.
Many years when there was these Mother’s Day celebration at school, the mothers would come to the school and pick up their kids from school and go home as a family after whatever celebration was being prepared for them. These used to be a pretty big deal. Most of those years I was there by myself. I don’t want to sound selfish, but the fact is that it sort of feels the same way today. And this is not meant as disrespect to any mother out there, on the contrary – this is out of respect for my own mother.
I am sure she wanted to be present all those years we were separated. I very well understand how life can take you away from your loved ones, while you make all these sacrifices to forge a better future for your children. I just retired from the US Navy after 20+ years, and for my daughter’s entire lifetime I’ve been just like my mother “always busy.” Even now that I have recently retired from the Navy, I feel like the days just spring by.
Moving Towards Happiness
Obviously, I don’t want to end this article on a sad note. Although there is going to be nostalgia and sadness in my heart no matter how genuine my smile will shine. I don’t ask others to try to understand the struggle in my mind, because I don’t understand it myself – not fully anyway.
And even though I am very pragmatic; I don’t really want to “resolve” this feeling. You know why? Because to me it feels like I rob the humanity from my mother, grandmother, and great-aunt – all three women who raised me as a mother. And all of which died while I was unable to be by their side on their last breath. It makes sense to me, even if I stand alone on that feeling.
Yeah, I said it was not hoping to make it sad – I can’t help it though – It is reality for me, I can try to sprint to the moon, but I can’t run away from what happened in my life. But as I said, even though there is a tsunami of emotions and memories falling upon me, I have learned to compartmentalize these emotions. Today I’ll be celebrating my wife. And I am well aware her Mother’s Day is going to be lazed with sadness as well, because she misses her own mother.
I guess with all this emotional word-salad I’ve typed, my point is that many of us miss our mothers. And all of us wish we could celebrate with them today. We can still celebrate on their name, but it is just not the same. I’ve learned to live with this frustrating feeling, even when my mother was alive – but she was far away.
But the bottom line is that when you love somebody it does not matter how far they are from you, they resonate just the same in your heart. And time, distance, or physical presence are not as important, because they live forever in your heart and mind.
And I guess that is how I am wishing my mother, my grandmother, my great aunt, and my mother-in-law a Happy Mother’s Day. They might not be present on the flesh anymore, but they are loved, and we remember them. And the larger message is that if you have a mother that is still walking among us, don’t take these moments for granted – because these moments are finite, and you never truly know what tomorrow would bring or take away from you. HLC