I miss my grandmother, even though we did see the world from different perspectives as I was growing up. Yet I wonder what new conversations would be like.
Story time
Sometimes I wonder how my grandmother would see the world today if she was still walking the Earth. Today is Sunday, February 5, 2023. It’s been about 19 years since my grandmother passed away, while I was away. Just shy of 20 years later and I can’t still forgive myself for it, nor can I get over it. And no, I don’t want to get over it either. There is a reason for it, it does not need to be rational to other people’s point of view – it only needs to make sense to me. And that gives me some sort of solace.
February 5th was her birthday. It has been 19 years, 6940 days since I’ve missed her last birthday back in 2004. She passed away the same year in late December in 2004. I’ve always gotten more stoic during this time of the year. Some people who know me might not notice, and whenever I can afford the opportunity, I prefer to be on leave and try to minimize my interaction with the world. I seek loneliness at that time of stoic reflection, yet I’ve not shed a tear. Though my heart breaks every day in a million pieces. It’s like a burning sensation that does not consume. It’s an abstract concept to describe, and I like it that way… It’s not masochism, yet it is painfully self-inflicted. But as I said, it is not rational – and it makes sense to me… and only me.
My grandmother from my mother side. She raised me since I was a baby in Ecuador. Even when my mother was always busy earning a living, which was often out of the country… my grandmother took that pseudo-mother place. As a child and being from that culture – we sort of took her presence for granted. Afterall, we all lived under the same roof; and when it is a close family the cohabitee tends to be normalized. Hindsight is 20/20 – but despite that, many found memories will forever live in my heart. These memories painted forever inside of me will also fade away when my final time comes as well.
But while I have the chance, I would like to take this moment to reflect upon that realization. There are so many fun memories to count; yet there are the ones we did not get to share are the ones that hurt the most.
This is how I find myself here. 19 years ago, I was fresh into the U.S. Navy. In fact, I was driving from Florida to Virginia in order to check into my first command. USS SEATTLE AOE-3… That ship is not around anymore either. I always found it interesting that it was my grandmother’s birthday when I was supposed to check onboard. The last time I saw her was when I left for the Navy. It was a Tuesday night, October 14, 2003. The recruiter came over to my home in Fort Lauderdale. He was in a government vehicle to take me to start the chapter of my life I’ve been living for the next 19+ years. My grandmother was the last person who saw me depart for the Navy. And really the only one who said goodbye to me that night.
I had a premonition that we would never see each other again. Though I thought it was going to be me the one who would not live long enough. Afterall, there were two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq at the time. Turns out, we did get deployed to the Middle East. My grandmother used to travel a lot. Normally she would be flying from Ecuador to Florida every so often. After I left for the Navy, and I returned for a little bit to pick up my car in Florida to drive it to Virginia – my grandmother was in Ecuador at the time. So, I did not get to see her ever again.
I did return a couple of times to visit my home in Florida after I joined, but for the most part the ship I was underway a lot. Subsequently we went on our six-month deployment. During this time my grandmother got increasingly ill, she moved back to Ecuador as her health deteriorated rapidly. My family did not want to worry me, so they kind of hid he worst of her illness to me. It actually took sometime past mid deployment when they finally told me that she was terminally ill, and she had not much time left. We just didn’t know how long she had.
When I’ve got the news, I was somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea. We spoke through a sat phone and I’ve never felt so defeated in my life. That particular chain of command was not very accommodating – or maybe they did not understand the circumstances… or whatever it was… I was not allowed to leave the ship. We were in the Mediterranean, and my grandmother was in Ecuador, and I would still need to make it to the East Coast before I could even travel. I was not asking for the Navy to pay for my plane ticket – but it did not matter.
The deployment was almost over, and we were still needing to cross the Atlantic Ocean towards Virginia. It takes a few days to do so. I pleaded to please let me go at my own expense. Specially because of the timing after the American Cross message arrived saying that my grandmother was terminal. I was not allowed… we crossed the Strait of Gibraltar – and though I could see the coast of Spain where we have a Naval Station and we had two helicopters onboard, I was not allowed to leave. The Navy at the time only considered a close family member one up, one down or one to the side. That means a parent, a child or sibling or spouse. Grandparents were not considered too close, even though she raised me. But that metric was really for mostly for funding a plane ticket, I did not want funding… I just wanted to fly out to see her.
The ship crossed the Atlantic, and then we made it to Norfolk… I was there in Norfolk for several days trying to leave. Finally, the day arrived – frustratingly felt so easy in a way, after waiting for so long. I spoke to my grandmother, she was agonizing… she would say repeatedly in Spanish “asomate” which translates to “come over” as her voice was strained and weaker and weaker. Finally, I was given a letter and approved my leave to depart… after buying the ticket the same day from Norfolk to Ecuador. There are no direct flights from those two places. This was the very same day just earlier in the morning.
In a haste I was able to pack some quick things, I did not even get a chance to change my uniform’s steel-toe boots. The duty driver drove me from the base to the airport and immediately I got on the plane the departure time was just a few hours after I purchased the ticket that same day. The plane would fly from Norfolk to I think San Antonio, TX. Wait there for several hours, and connect to a flight to Quito, Ecuador where my grandmother was waiting for me as she was gasping her last breaths of life. I don’t quite recall if the plane also stopped in Miami, Florida from Texas… which it would have been very frustrating too because Miami is in the same coast as Norfolk, whereas that Texas is in the middle of North America.
I remember each flight been so long, I felt so restless and hopeless that I it is very hard for me to recall any details. Time stops for no one, and this was the fastest time I could arrive to Quito given the circumstances; yet the route was almost twice the length of distance because of the various connections. Back then was not like now when we have smart phones and wi-fi anywhere to check the whereabouts and get updates. International phone calls were prohibited expensive, and you just could not get a reliable connection everywhere. I remember I was not able to do so in the airport for some reason even with my phone card. Remember those?
I sat there in the airport terminal without being able to communicate, just feeling so defeated. Finally, we boarded the plane towards Ecuador, and the flight was long and suffocating. The in-board movie was some Artificial Intelligence movie with Will Smith. I can’t ever watch that movie again, by the way. As we were flying over Bogota Colombia according to the onboard map, I felt this sudden extreme level of sadness. As though there was this ghostly geyser of air that was coming from below the plane and moving up towards the sky as it passed through me.
It is hard to describe it, but it felt like part of my soul was being stolen from me, and this deep sadness followed. It is only about an hour+ or so from Bogota to Quito, and when I arrived at customs, my brother David was waiting for me in the airport terminal. It took forever to cross customs, I remember. He broke down as did I, when he mentioned that she has passed away just almost two hours ago… the same time I felt that immense level of sadness. The house in Ecuador was only a few minutes from the airport at the time. In all arrived by her side two hours late.
I’m not particularly spiritual nor religious person… but I know what I felt. It does not have to be rational, but that was my grandmother meeting me halfway and let me know. I felt immense sorrow – yet I was peaceful – though very, very sad. Never felt something like that before nor after. Some more religious people would think it was her ascending to heaven… sure… if they want to state it that way. I find it more as a matter of intuition and connection between two people. And with this I don’t try to downplay it. In fact, the opposite is true, because there is such a thing as a human connection, even when you’re apart. I fell that with my daughter for instance. When she’s sad, or she’s acting up – I can feel it. I felt it even when I was half a world away during deployment.
When I arrived home, and my grandmother was laying lifeless – she looked so peaceful. They have dressed her in her favorite outfit. She died calling my name, and I was not there for her. I can’t ever change that. That’s why I prefer to stay away from everybody when this time of year arrives.
The very next day was her funeral, and she was cremated later that same day. I’ve stayed in Ecuador for a few days. Ironically, I did not have a bedroom in that house anymore – so I even spent the night in the very same bed she passed away. I needed to go away from that place for some time. I had friends of mine in Ecuador who tried to cheer me up and invited me to go to places out of town. And that actually helped at the time… life was so different back then. I would almost seem insensitive now, but the truth is that I’ve never really have gotten the chance to properly grieve. And I don’t want to grieve. I want to celebrate her life, not sulk on her death. Though the circumstances will hurt and will never heal. Nor I want to heal from that. Again, it is not rational – and to me it does not have to be.
19 years ago, it was her last birthday. She would not leave to have another one. I don’t even know how she celebrated. I was still driving from Florida to Virginia… I think I made the trip in two days. She was in Ecuador, and I could not even call that far because the international phone calls were very hard to make on those days. I remember I stopped in a motel in South Carolina, somewhere along I-95 as I was driving north. Back then hotels did not have wi-fi. In fact, I don’t think wi-fi even existed. So, the best you could hope for was an internet café. I don’t recall seeing one along the way, nor in the hotel itself.
Next day, I made it to the ship in the afternoon, and checked in. That’s a whole other story… because there is quite a tale about it too. I’ll tell you that some other time. Front in my mind was the fact that I was my grandmother’s birthday, and I have missed it. But she understood, I remember her telling me as much when we talked sometime in the future after her birthday.
You know I cannot recall when exactly I was able to wish her happy belated birthday… I might have been able to find a computer somewhere in the liberty center… but I don’t’ think I was even able to do so that first day I arrived. This was a Thursday, so there was going to be work the very next Friday. It was an exciting new chapter in my life, and to be honest I was still trying to get my bearings. I did not own a cell phone anymore at that particular time – I don’t think. I’ve terminated my contract before bootcamp the year prior… To be honest, I don’t even remember when I got a new cell phone.
Come to think about it, how did I ever survive with no cell phone at the time? Well, different times… and landlines were still a thing. I had cell phones before the Navy, but for one reason or the other I lived without one for a long time after I joined. Besides the ship was underway a lot, and it is not like you had signal there in the middle of the sea. Most of my communication was over the computer chat or via email anyway. Sometimes when I called was through one of those payphones using a phone card. And no, back then cell phones would not be convenient to call a different area code.
Now we can call anywhere in the world really with wi-fi or call with your cell phone anywhere in the US with no added cost. Back then, if you called a different area code from your cell phone or land line, you would pay a lot of money for that privilege. I know I did spend a lot of money on phone calls back then. Now, I don’t even answer the phone if it rings. How things have changed.
If you could see the world through my eyes today…
Goodness, if my grandmother could see the world through my eyes today. What would she think? Would she be proud of me? Would she feel I carried the legacy she instilled in me properly? Back then we did not see eye to eye on a lot of things. My grandmother and I did have very different views on the world, and I was just as opinionated back then as I am now. And she was very opinionated herself. She was a product of her generation, and so was I. We approached the circumstances from different points of view.
Which one was better? Hard to say… she thrived either way. Though I disagreed with her a lot, and I have done things my way – I still know she meant well, and she did all she could to give me and my siblings a high-quality of life. She was loving, though she was also capricious. She was not nearly as difficult as my mother was, but she was a spark plug. She was very funny too. Not sure if she intended to, but she was funny.
She had so many friends and acquaintances. There were people visiting her home for tea and for conversations all the time. People just gravitated towards her, and they just loved her so much. She was not mean spirited, but she was very poignant, and assertive. At times she was very naïve, and other times she was sharp like a tack. She loved traveling and moving around. They used to call her “pata caliente” – which is an Ecuadorian slang that roughly translates to “hot feet” – which means that a person is always on the move, or who can’t stay still. And she loved traveling and visiting places even in the same city. For example, the featured photo from this article is us in the Rome back in 1994. This old image was taken in the Roman Forum ruins.
She also loved hosting people at home… back then people would just show up. That’s the way it was. I used to do the same with friends. Sometimes I would to somebody’s house unannounced and hang out there, and they would to the same. Try doing that now, and it would be awkward even with good friends… they might ask you to text them a week before the “play” date… or like ask for more time in anticipation. How thing have changed.
What would she think about the home I’ve built? She never got a chance to meet my wife Alicia, nor my daughter Samantha. Sammy’s middle name carries my grandmother’s namesake Beatriz. Sammy reminds me so much of her. Sammy has a lot of her mannerisms, and even her shenanigans… to include her temper. It is almost incredible how my daughter has so much from her great grandmother, even though they never met. Sammy even looks like her a lot. Except that my grandmother actually had blue eyes. They are just so similar, in so many ways.
My grandmother would have been so happy to spend time with Sammy, I know that for a fact. She would have loved her so much. My grandmother would have loved my wife Alicia too, she’s such a wonderful wife and mother – and I know that would have made my grandmother very happy.
Fast forward 19 years from the day I checked on my first ship onboard USS SEATTLE AOE-3 to today. I am on duty, the entire weekend – Saturday and Sunday… and it’s the fifth day of February – I am on duty onboard USS COLE DDG 67. My first and my last ship. I won’t be onboard any other Navy ship any other subsequent time when my grandmother birthday takes place. I am supposed to retire the last day of January in 2024. Her next birthday I’ll be a civilian once again… after 20+ years of military service.
I reflect upon this as I yet again realize that time has gone so fast, yet so much has happened in between. I don’t regret joining the Navy – after all if it was not the Navy, I would have not met my wife and my daughter would have never existed. Also, I’ve experienced more significantly unique events that I can even count. And I was able to enact great impact on this nation that welcomed me as a citizen. But along with the military service there are also a lot of moments of deep sadness, and I’ve lost the three women who raised me. My grandmother, my mother and my great-aunt. All three passed away while I was away. And nothing I can even do will change that.
The sadness will never fade. And I keep saying it… I don’t want it to fade away. It is not rational, but it makes sense to me. And only to me, in the way I see it. I’ll bounce back to normal after this process takes place. There have been many times when February 5 has collied with duties and responsibilities. This is the last time that will happen. From now on, until the end of my life I’ll be able to celebrate her birthday as a remembrance of her life. I look at my reflection on the screen as I type… I am not the young man I was that last time we saw each other.
It was a cold night, even for Florida… much like it is a cold night today in Virginia. I’m a big proponent that no matter the distance, a strong heart never sets you apart. But being physically apart from those we love is not an easy task. I’ve endured a lot of that through the years. And that started from that very first night I left for the Navy. Actually, I’ve experienced that before also, but that’s a different story.
If she could see the world through my eyes, she would see a happy family. She would see a distinguished military career. She would see a person who’s been able to make many dreams become tangible realities. She would see that deep inside, despite the years there is still that person she raised and loved. She would see that a lot of the disagreements we had, I was actually ultimately in the right. And yes, I did just say that. But she would have been proud, because I made it. And I became the person I was mean to be. I am father and a husband, and somebody who’s generally speaking a happy person. She would have been proud to see that most of the dreams I told her I had a child are in fact a reality today. She would see that the spark in my life has continued to shine, and that I continue to grow and dare dream big – like I did back then. She would see that my previous daring dreams are real, they exist – they happened.
She would have been so happy to have some conversations about the past, and about our experiences. She would enjoy so much the new technology, and the fun gadgets we have today. She would have loved reading my crazy rants and the way I rationalize my world. She would have understood finally what’s in my crazy mind – because it took a long time for me to understand myself. She would have continue loving me for who I am, even with all my many idiosyncrasies.
I don’t know for sure where we all go after we leave this world. I can’t prove it one way or the other, no matter what anybody believes. I still experience sadness, and so much pain when this time comes around. My eyes are in the verge of welling – yet no tears every shed. Not one tear, not ever. Yet the tears are so close, I don’t hold back… yet they just never shed.
Like I said, I don’t know where a soul goes after we depart… but I know that in my mind she’s always alive. And she’ll be alive in my memories as long I am alive too. I don’t know where I will be. And I know that my memories, though they might coincide in some instances with my siblings; they have their memories, and I have mine. I know that around this time, we all have a sense of sorrow. The difference is that I was the only one that was not by her side in her final hours – she was waiting for me stretching her last bit of strength, and I arrived two hours late. I can’t ever change that.
So much has happened since that day. Some of the happiest days of my life were after her death. I got married, my daughter was born. They are now my world… my two girls. The three ladies who raised me are all gone. The two ladies who are my family they are now my whole world. Yet I am here, on duty… just 20 minutes away from my house… my girls are at home, I am here. My daughter caught a cold, she’s been moody and happy at the same time. She’s such a good kid, even when she has her moments. I have an amazing loving wife. My loving life is so good to me and Sammy. My life is happy, and some might even say enviable.
I wish many times my grandmother would be able to see it with her own eyes. And I always wonder would her reaction and comments would be. She always had something to say… much like my wife and daughter.
I know that today will inevitably need me to interact with people. And I don’t intent to be unpleasant to anybody. Yet, I’ll keep my sorrow to myself, and I’ll try to make myself as scarce as possible. Afterall, it is Sunday… and Sundays are normally quieter days. We work hard all week, we play hard… and sometimes we need time to just be there. That’s me today… I’m just being there in my own thoughts. Being here… and I am keeping to myself.
However, maybe one day you will stumble upon my words as I wrote them today. Thank you for staying with me and reading this far. Meanwhile, Happy Birthday dear grandmother, wherever you are – in my thoughts you’ll always be alive. Thank you for putting up with me all those years, I can only wonder what your thoughts of me would be today. Love, your grandson. HLC
Epilogue: After I finished writing this article the day inevitably got “exciting” – and not necessarily in a good way. Without getting into any details, we had two security alert events (both got resolved without much incident professionally), and one instance of “white smoke” which activated our in-port emergency team (this also got resolved expeditiously and professionally). And after that when I thought it would be quiet finally, sometime before midnight I had to take go and aid to a Sailor off ship (this also got resolved in a good note). Exactly what I wanted, which was a quiet day and stay juts to myself – it did not happen. I had to be participant on every event… as I expected but was wishing it would not have to be something I wanted to deal with – not today. With that said, I was able to honor the memory of my grandmother – the best way I could. But just wanted to point out, THAT’s exactly the reason why I would normally take time off… because you never know what will happen from one moment to the next. I posted this article on the day after, but the effective date is February 5, 2023. HLC